Ever won by losing? I did today? How? Read On....
Tracing the curves of my face, they ran low growing with every passing moment. I could feel them crawling at my skin, yet my stubborn streak holding on to them daring me not to fail. And when they flew....they were dry.
I refused to let them fall for a reason 1 yr old.....long time enough time to move on.....
I wanted a release but words chocked (nothing new! whenever I have something to say they refuse to help me!) locked in a bolt that would never give away.....
And then I went or rather I CAME to 'you'. I sat there besides you, looking at you and my will power failed....they weren’t dry anymore they flew on their own accord. Sitting there I spoke to you w/o words, U know that’s what I love about you (you don’t require words!)
Past 3 years our relationship has been "on the rocks" exact date being 1 August 2004...Yes that was the day, a lot of things broke that day leaving the cracks I feel even today. I never questioned what you gave. I never have and I never will yet I couldn’t school my un-acceptance...
With time the distance came it grew and you know last year was the final straw. I felt the crunch. I smelt the crash, I could almost see the broken pieces. But I still acquainted you (Why? probably thanks to the habitual instincts you know Old habits die hard!) and I refused to break the final cord (I have never learnt what people call MOVE ON....)
Yet today when I came, you were there. I never spoke but then you knew dint you? I let those 3 years 'move on'. I let the ice break only to realize there was no sheathe. I never had lost what was there between you and me. In the years it had remained dormant it only out-grew, matured and was turned raw ( a form I had never really felt). In fighting you I had rather come closer to you... I had only come closer.
In that one moment I accepted everything even the last year rather especially the last year(the hurt, the betrayal, the unnecessary itch...and yes if the people who were responsible for 'it' our reading the post, no I wont forgive I never have and I never will ‘forgive’..)I realized it wasn't my ' favorite time' yet it wasn’t a loss...nothing is for that matter. It has made me what I am today? And isn’t it the reason I can feel the Proximity with 'you' something I have been yearning for over 3 yrs....
Yes when I left 'your' temple today I was changed forever...
PS :- Hmm it seems too potent a topic for a 21 year old...and yet it flows in all of us. NO I have never believed in religion never in an idol but yet I am not faithless…..None of us is…. we all have it ...in different ratios and proportions and for some reasons its just that we find it too 'embarrassing' talking about it.
2 comments:
Worshiping on the form takes you to the formless!
As Swami Vivekananda said- its good to be born in a temple but not good to die out there!
Grow in everything...transcend idols, transcend vedas(throw away vedas)..reach to the formless, absoulte, brahman- Discover the divinity in you..understand the SOHAM(I AM HE)...become BUddha,CHRIST...kingdom of heaven is in you- you are the GOD!
hmm i agree Rohit and that was what i was talking about Reaching out to him whether in an idol or within you thats FAITH(can take ne shape nevertheless).... i feel connected again![:)]
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